If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You Might Also Like
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me irl
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.