@mojo_bones_: My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana
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@OfficeLinebcker: "If I eat my arm, I can't technically gain any weight" - my thought process after only 5 days of dieting. I'm doomed.
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
@gwatts77: 9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?