Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The funk soul brother
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My time has come.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!