My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.