Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Breaking news:
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run