My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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i- i did not expect this
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Beware of fowl play.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job