My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
How to properly lift a body