My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!