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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’ve had worse
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie