@ForcedHands: My problem is, I'm about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
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@AndrewNadeau0: Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
@shutupmikeginn: Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
@OtherDanOBrien: Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?