Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
You Might Also Like
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her