Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.