My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
LOOOOOOL
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.