My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
no cat here
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.