my proudest tweet
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter