My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys