My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.