I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening