Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows