@AristotlesNZ: My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
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@juneohara65: "The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in." ~my mother after a few drinks
@DionneMcNutt: A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."
@suzieQ0007: My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I'm afraid to go to sleep now.
@JBWogan: Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."