@AristotlesNZ: My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
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@WilliamAder: Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
@KevinBuffalo: Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?" Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?" Me: "Buffalo Sabres." Wife: "You're an idiot"
@Coastiefish: I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.
@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.