Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Put the is in disheveled
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.