@Vodkantots: My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me.
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@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
@SteveSuckington: [comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
@NatasshaStash: A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, "well I'm bored,let's go brush our teeth" in mid convo