Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
You Might Also Like
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones