My purse is deeper than some people.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Good point.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.