@david8hughes: My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money.
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@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
@Sean_Burgundy_: The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.