My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am