My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.