My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.