My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.