My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home