My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.