5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay