Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
i really liked this one
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”