[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Tuesday
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
This pepper has seen some shit
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.