My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I will never stop laughing at this
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out