Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
How software testing works
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I identify as an antique shop.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Not😆🤣