My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper