My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*