My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m awake but I object,
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
what could possibly go wrong?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug