@CelebrityChez: My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
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@WilliamRodgers: This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up about how Zombies "could be real" So I killed him... If he comes back...He wins the argument
@MrSpoonicorn: "can i smoke in here?" "sure go ahead sir" "thanks" *lights scented candle* "can i scatter rose petals in here?" "erm- "can i dim the lights
@Schmoodles: Someone at work asked if I'd listened to any good books lately, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(
@NicestHippo: [doctor gets job as 911 operator] "What's your emergency?" MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE "Hmm ok let's wait a few weeks and see how it is then"