Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere