@TommyKarate: My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.
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@lemonmartinis: Dude that's not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
@claire_mudie: If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don't think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"