I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit