Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
So we got a goldfish…
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas