[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah