My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying