My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Well, this is awkward
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*