@Elifcello: My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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@MariyaAlexander: Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@abbycohenwl: Mama Bear: Ok but last time Papa Bear: Thanks, babe [she puts on a Goldilocks wig] Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day Two Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do. Watches all 5 seasons of "The Wire". Totally gets the hype now.