My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”