My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*