My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]