My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
this is uni
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.