My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
these two trucks have the same bed length
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.