@JRobb773: My retirement plan is to live in the cargo hold of a ship and spend all my time convincing the sailors I'm a ghost haunting them.
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@kirkdiedrich: The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.
@RamblingMachine: Some fairy tales start with "once upon a time". Others start with "If I won the elections".
@mstluvstrinkets: The neighbor's wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today. -I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard
@QwertyJones3: [Halftime speech] Ok guys, we're down 56-0, but I see the problem. There's a typo in my game plan. It should say "tackle", not "tickle".