My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.